First Date Bible Blog circa 11/20/06

I'm a 23 year-old female, but I tend to think like a guy. Over the years, I think I've learned to mix the over-analytical process of the female with the fuck-everything mindset of the male. As evolution would have it, I've formed the hybrid thinking process of the 2 genders. Asshole+insight=bulletin below 

As a result, I have taken the time to write this lovely insightful First Date Bible, if you will. I could be hauling shit manure towards a dry desert that doesn't need it, but eh, what do I care? 

So I've been on my fair share of those illusive first dates and from a hybrid's perspective, here are a few tips to get those bodies beneath the sheets a little quicker. 

Gentlemen! So you want to get laid??? Well tough shit. It takes more than picking a flower from the neighbor's yard and making a quick stop to McDonald's to get those bodies rolling. However, if you're willing to put in some effort, and perhaps common sense, below are a few tips that may de-mystify the first date concept that many just don't seem to get these days.

Getting Laid 

1.) Get the date, not just the "yes." 
If you say "hey do you wanna hang or something this weekend?" and presume that she's going to interpret that as asking her out on a date, you might end up hanging out with the boyfriend and 5 friends she decides to bring along because she assumes you meant actually "hanging out". Be obvious kids. Try the old fashioned "I would love to take you out to dinner this weekend" method. You're clear, concise, and obvious, and if you can't get the date, well then there's always Sunset. I hear the women out there always says yes. 

2.) Pick her up. 
Sorry lazy asses, but if you ask her to meet you somewhere, generally it means you're actually "hanging out" and you obviously didn't understand tip numero uno. And if you followed tip #1 and you STILL ask her to meet you somewhere instead of picking her up, then it means: 

a.) your ass doesn't have a car or a mode of transportation 
b.) you're lazy as hell 
c.) you're sleeping alone tonight, like friends. 

3.) Pay for the date, fool. 
Okay kids, I know this is the 00s and not the 80s where women may have been less independent than say, Paris Hilton and daddy's money, but that does not mean to say that women don't like a little of the old fashioned. Hilton may be worth millions of dollars, but can you imagine if Hugh Hephner asked her out and then retorted "Hey honey, can you get this? I have an entire empire, but go ahead and get this. Thanks." Uh, honey, no. We're independent and have our own money, but the best way into a woman's pants is not through her pocketbook. 

4.) Holding the hand? 
Okay, so it's about 2 hours into the date/hanging out (please see steps 1-2 for clarification) and you've decided that you made it this far and now, you find yourself sitting in a dark romantic movie theater, and you're growing some balls. You're gonna reach for it, go for it, go for it, go for it! Wait! Dude, where the hell are her hands? Last time I checked, I thought she had a pair. Oh wait, she stuck them in her pockets. Okay, so note to you: should a girl stick her hands in her pockets or cross her arms across her chest while watching a movie, it means: 

a.) she doesn't want you to hold her hand 
b.) she's got a wart on her right thumb that she doesn't 
want you to see 

And that whole "no my hands are just really cold thing?" In my world, that's called bullshit. 

5.) The Emergency Phone Call 
Yeah, we've all heard about them, and we've all done them, maybe. I'm probably going to hell for the one I made, but I think I only think that because I feel bad for lying. Okay, so you're in the middle of the date, or maybe at the beginning, whatever, and the girl gets some mysterious phone call that causes her to drop her jaw in shock, and (gasp!) have to leave the date early for a family emergency. Okay, so we've all seen this on TV (Sex and The City), and in movies (The Break-up), but despite what critics may say, the media doesn't always lie. It's not an exaggeration because I've done it. I once got away with telling a guy I met up with at the gym, that I couldn't go out with him later because my aunt's car broke down and I had to go pick her up, but not before finishing my workout. Sweet huh? Lies work, but they work better when they help you get out of the date from hell. 

6.) The Invite 
End of the line. Congratulations! You've made it this far. You passed every single step on the way down and escaped the emergency phone call. You're at her door or in the car, positioning yourself strategically for that pre-emptive strike across her colored lips. She smiles, inviting you to lean a littler closer, or so you think. As you lean in, closer and closer and closer, she cracks a joke and punches you on the arm to see if you get it. 

? 

Eh, what can I tell you? She's an animal like you, and us animals sense when we're about to be attacked by an unwanted predator. Playfully striking you across the arm like one of the guys does not mean "Hey let's get naked together and involve ourselves in the act of making babies" when she knows you were planning to lay one on her. And in the spirit of the infamous book "He's just not that into you" the role is the same. Sorry kids, the only thing you're hittin tonight is the lonely bedspread you just cleaned in the hopes that you'd be getting laid. 

Of course, there is always the possibility that she might invite you in, and then all of the shit I just wrote was totally not applicable. 


So the moral of the story is, pay close attention to steps 1-6 and you may end up getting lucky. Of course, this is just one chick's opinion, so I can't say that I speak entirely for the masses. Some chicks may not give a fuck about any of those things and will still bang the crap out of you regardless. The female side of the brain says "fuck that" but the male side says "fuck yeah." 

Then again, there's always booty calls. Rules 1-6 can just "fuck off" then.